Letter to a friend

At night, I try and log my mental state down in journal/blog format. I put it up on my website, or, if it’s particularly good writing, I save it, edit it, and post it on Medium. Tonight, I want to take the time to say some shit to you.

I’ve probably repeated the “that’s God’s Stallion” GTA 3 story 3 or 4 dozen times, and I just remembered it again and told Fia. After I finished, I got to thinking about why that story is so important to me, and why that’s such a good memory for me.

I think there are a lot of points where we could’ve just stopped being friends or connecting up in any way. Those kinds of things happen as people age, mature, change, and literally grow further apart. But memories like “that’s God’s Stallion” after an all-night GTA 3 session sitting in front of the TV are part of the reason we’re friends. Part of the reason why I’m writing this text to you now.

Life has come really fast lately. For both of us, I think. You’ve found someone, and I’ve found someone. You’re fucking married now. With pets. It really bums me out that I wasn’t at the wedding - or know if a ‘ceremony’ even happened. But I’m happy for you. Going on those adventures and taking that leap, those moves, those pet adoptions, those first Christmases, are what makes this all worth it. It’s a slow-coming realization that I, the perennially familyless weirdo, am only just now grasping. Seeing one of the most important people in my life have that makes me happy by proxy.

Some nights, I miss those old days on Halo and playing Guitar Hero and fucking around outside. Now, in my excruciatingly adult life, I’m feeling set upon by the anxieties of making my life what I want it to be. In the whirlwind of it all, I find that I’m letting some personal relationships go uncared for. With you being in Virginia and otherwise preoccupied by your Virginia-based existence, my relationship with you has been an easy one to stop keeping up with. I’m sorry for that.

Fia and I likely won’t be in Florida for another year. Maybe as little as six months. She has grad schools narrowed down to 2 options, both of which are on the West coast. Portland, Oregon or Fullerton, California. As a mentally unwell artist type, escaping Florida by any means necessary is fine by me. Fleeing to Portland or California with the love of my life doubly so.

My biggest fear is that moving that far will be the final nail in that coffin for you and me to continue keeping up with each other. Some of the memories you and me have shared over the years have been ones that I’ve used as fuel to keep going. I recently told Fia’s family about that time I pushed you down the hill in a shopping cart and thought you died when you hit the curb.

Even if we continue to lead busy, preoccupied lives after tonight - and we will, I suspect - I want you to know that you’re an extremely important person in my life. I hope that little spark that’s kept us friends over the years continues to linger.

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